Dear Ku and Sam

What is your favorite sporting day of the year other than when catchers and pitchers report to spring training?

2006-02-12T16:01:00.000-05:00

Sam Answers:
This one was nearly impossible. But once I realized that my world revolves around me, it got much easier. The best sporting day actually happens twice a year. It is the day of the live draft for my fantasy baseball and football teams. The hours of research, trash talking, projected scenarios, and internet chat room arguments finally come to a head in four hours of beer-driven wheeling and dealing that ruins the next four months of my life and lightens my pocketbook. Not that I actually carry a pocketbook…I can’t wait.

Ku Answers:
You must have heard me ranting about "my favorite day of the year" in the Blackacre. Here is a shocker... My favorite sporting day really is not when the pitchers and catchers report but it is the Homecoming day. This needs some qualifications. It isn't that I like football. In fact, my alma mater this past fall went 0-8. For that matter, if they had gone 8-0, I wouldn't like the sport any more than I do now. It is the atmosphere -- late fall, crisp, sunny, technicolor foliage, families, alums, townies, students, green grass, library, hill, old college buildings, bleachers, noise, ad hoc pep band who practiced for two hours just the day before the game, white tent, food, hot cider, stupid jokes on the loud speaker, all the hyphenated names on our team, shorter and more pronounceable names on the other team, beer, and losing to a school who doesn't deserve to be ranked higher on US News and World Report ranking but knowing deep down that we're the only team to have played University of Michigan and never lost in the history of college football... You are welcome to come with me the next time I go. But I am sure you were asking about a better known sporting day. I like the final day of Summer Olympics (marathon) and World Cup final but they only happen once every four years therefore disqualify. My answer then would have to be the opening day of NASCAR season because it lets me know loud and clear the people whom I need to avoid in life.

If you were TV execs, what kind of reality show would you create?

2006-02-12T16:00:00.000-05:00

Sam Answers:
I love this question. I’ve thought about this one a lot. My show would be great. And part of me thinks it could happen. It is called “The Body”. Here’s what it’s all about: At some point everyone has thought they could hide a body and get away with murder. So we give people something close to the chance, with the same potential repercussions. You select, say, a dozen people. You give them a doll akin to a crash-test dummy, and two weeks to hide it somewhere in the States. You cannot cut it up or burn it or otherwise destroy it. You gotta hide it. You also give them a camera so that they can covertly film the process, their thoughts etc.
Now, the goal is to be the person whose body is found last. The winner gets cash; like 5 million bucks. And who looks for it? Why, all of America! In fact, the people who find the bodies get a nice chunk of change as well. That way, average people will actually look around.
Now, to give the process something close to the edginess that must saturate a person who has just committed murder and needs to get rid of the body, there is one twist. Whenever America finds a hidden body, the person who committed the lackluster hiding job goes to real prison, with real felons. And they stay in prison until all the bodies are found. That’s right, if one contestant permanently hides their body, the others contestants go to jail forever. The only way for a contestant to avoid prison is to gain immunity by finding a fellow contestant’s body before anyone finds yours. Talk about some compelling TV. Pretty good idea, huh?

Ku Answers:
From what I can gather, these reality TV shows are popular because we love to watch other people's misery. We put them in an awkward situation, and we watch them writhe... much like a cruel seven-year-old sprinkling salt on a worm left behind after summer rain and watching it writhe. Public humiliation used to be classier, if you will. Pie throwing, egging, rotten vegetables, or even tar and feather and pig blood seems classier. Well, if we're going to do it, we might as well do it up, right? This is a bit complicated so read carefully. I'd like to call it - The Newly Weds Meets While You Were Out Meets Spouse Swapping Meets Nip And Tuck. The basic premise of the show is to dupe a newly wed couple into ruining their lives. So, you invite a couple onto the show. The pretense is that supermodels and their personal crew will give them a makeover -- for a week during which you will be kept apart -- and you will have new and improved loved one. What really happens is something much more cynical. By day, you go shopping and what not with the stylists who remind them how ugly they are while by night, the supermodels try to sleep with the newly weds. One or more of the three things happen in the end: One, the couple breaks up and they get mocked by the models and the stylists; two, somebody gets an extreme makeover including plastic surgeons and whatever else; and three, if you survive, you get a contract to do a year of "newly weds" show just like the one Jessica Simpson had, just to see how that week of staying apart with supermodels and the stylists have messed up their lives. Unfortunately, I heard Fox was working on the show, so I can't take the credit for the idea.

What are your thoughts on steel-caged NBA games?

2006-02-12T15:59:00.000-05:00

Sam Answers:
Steel cage match NBA games? Come on reader, the NBA might have had a few issues with violence, but don’t you think this is a bit ridiculous? Absurdities aside, there are three reasons why this would fail:
 1) I love Nintendo. It is the only video game system I’ve owned. I will never cheat on it. It really bothers me that their former archrival, Sega, now makes games for Nintendo. Nintendo’s games were the best. But, in the early nineties, Nintendo came out with “Bill Lambier’s Combat Basketball.” The game was appallingly bad. Maybe the worst I ever played…like, much worse than Burgertime. (Actually, I kinda liked Burgertime.) The first thing I thought of when I heard your idea for the NBA was the “Combat Basketball” game. Ergo, your idea has no merit.
2) A little more thought reminded me of the sport drink Shaq used to endorse. It was called “All Sport”. It had carbonation. It wasn’t very good…except the grape flavor. I haven’t seen it in years and I think it’s out of business. Their commercials had images of what various professional sports would look like in the future. I’ll never forget Shaq using a jetpack to fly down an arena-sized court to throw down a monster dunk. Sound stupid? It was, just like steel-cage NBA games.
3) Finally, the cage would likely prevent me from accurately throwing things at the players. Nobody wants that.

Ku Answers:
I don't know what Sam's babbling about, although I do remember the commercial with Alexi Lalas. I don't know. Steel cage? It's not that far fetched. A lot of European soccer stadiums have screens so that the crowd can't throw things at the players. Personally, I would endorse the steel cage so long as they have a collared jerseys. That's about it.

If you were in charge of the NBA, would you make the players pop their collars?

2005-11-18T13:40:00.001-05:00

Ku answers:
First week and such an important question! Back in the 80's, there was a French soccer player named Eric Cantona, who played for Manchester United, an English team. Cantona was famous for three things: One, his genius and flair on the pitch, with which he propelled the Manchester United into the team that we now know; two, his maddening temper (after all, he once jumped into the jeering crowd with both his feet up - kungfu style - kicking a jeerer, studs up); and three, his popped up collar. Indeed he was Eric the King. It is truly regrettable that a basketball jersey has no collar to pop. As you know, I am against dress codes, and naturally my answer would have to be "no." Having said that, I would change the basketball jerseys to have collars so the players would have the choice to pop'em. And I'm not talking about those wussy little soccer collars. I'm talking Neil Diamond porkchop covering 70's style, I've got more sex than Ben Wallace's 'fro collar!!!

Should a Paladin in a Temple of Ilmater Steal?

2005-11-18T13:40:00.000-05:00

Q: If I am a level 18 Paladin in the service of Helm, and have been level-drained (by spell, vampire, whatever) to 17th level, and I can only find a temple of Ilmater in which to have my level restored, but I do not have enough gold pieces or other treasure with which to make the payment, but I find an unlocked chest with the required gold in the temple, may I take the gold pieces to pay for the restoration without losing my status as a paladin?

Sam answers:
You come with an interesting query, but one that leads me to doubt your true status as a Paladin under the Service of Helm. Helm, also known as: He of the Unsleeping Eye; the Watcher; the Vigilant; the Vigilant One; the Great Guard; or the Guard of the Guardians, is an order committed to the destruction of evil. As a Paladin, the embodiment of all that is good and a voice of justice in a world where laws no longer work (and one in the service of Helm no less!), your sole concern should be apprehending criminals. Furthermore, everyone knows the Temple of Ilmater as a source for charity and mending the weary; it is no wonder you stumbled upon it during your travels. The followers of Ilmater, however, are devoted to the God of Perseverance as well as Suffering for the Greater Good. While you may feel the need to restore you level through theft, you are not in the service of Mask, and therefore would insult those who follow Ilmater. You are not poor or pitiful. Pilfering an unlocked chest filled with gold intended for the poor would be tantamount to renouncing your training and status as a Paladin. Earnestly pray to Ilmater; offer your services to his followers, and rest. Your path as a Paladin in the service of Helm will ensure future reclamation of your level. Oh yeah, and get out of the house and meet some normal frickin’ people. You’re an embarrassment.

Should I have Sex in the Library?

2005-11-18T13:37:00.001-05:00

Q: My boyfriend wants to have sex in the law library study rooms. I don’t want to, 'cause it seems creepy and you never know when Sweet Lew or Andy Dorchek might walk in. What should I do? Should I comply with him or should I tell him he's overruled?

Ku answers:
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. - Mark Twain. Indeed I do not regret getting caught mano-a-mano naked acrobatics in the greenroom of high school theatre, but I sure as hell regret never stackin' it up in the stacks of my college library. Of course, if you have not a modicum of adventuresome spirit in you, you won't regret that you passed up on your chance. But if you were really that boring, I doubt you would have asked us the question. So go ahead. Throw off the clothes. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. DISCOVER.

Why is Donny Baseball better than A-Rod?

2005-11-18T13:37:00.000-05:00

Sam answers:
Let me give you 6 reasons:
1. 'Cause he's not an fucking asshole.
2. 'Cause he played on the Yankees when they sucked.
3. 'Cause he was alloed to have facial hair when he played with the team.
5. 'Cause he injured himself and thus failed to be remembered as an all-time great.
6. BECAUSE I DON'T HATE HIM AS MUCH!!!